first day of first grade

I've avoided the inevitable...

perhaps if I didn't actually sit down to write about the fact that Kieran has entered first grade, my denial would last just a bit more. 

It's time, however, and I cannot put it off any longer. 

Any longer and the first day of first grade will have long since gone. 

Any longer and I'd miss the opportunity to be writing about the last few weeks of this fourth and final pregnancy (something that I have done very little, if at all, mostly because I've been busy running after three others). 

We are officially,

and I say we since I've been back to work (school) since August 10, Kieran started first grade two weeks ago, and Anna started her second year of preschool this past week.

Tatum happily joins in on the fun of saying goodbye at two different schools to her siblings. In just three short weeks, she'll not only be saying goodbye to Kieran and Anna as they go to school each day,

she'll be saying hello to her new baby brother. Two of each, it still amazes me that this will be our new "normal", and I'm looking forward to every waking moment.

My first baby boy, will forever be my baby.

 His journey through Kindergarten had it's ups and downs, and ultimately ended with a transformation that I'm still very proud of to this day.

The summer flew by, mainly filled with daily swim practice and weekend meets, but were also filled with lazy days of sleeping in, eating waffles and just plain enjoying each other's company.

Feeling as though the hands of time have been on fast forward,

my sweet Kieran somehow transitioned from a tiny baby in my arms, to a Vans-wearing first grader.

They had to be high tops, and he had to wear them on the very first day. The novelty not yet worn off even after week two, we put them on and his smile widens when he gets to wear them with his fresh new school clothes.

He's used to me taking pictures and very willingly obliges as the tears threaten to seep into my view finder.

Finally able to use the matching backpack that went with his lunch box from last year (they don't allow them in Kinder),

he eagerly placed it on the hook and was ready to start 

his first day.

A hug and a kiss goodbye of his asking (oh, how I'll take that for as long as I can),

off he went into his classroom, and off I went camera in hand, tears down my face, to begin my eleventh year as a school counselor.

I love my job, but all I wanted that day was to wear my "mommy hat" and never let him go.

Thankfully, the first day of school is always a half-day. 

The first day of first grade ended with a full conversation,

and a smile so beautiful, 

that could only leave my heart bursting with joy.

He loves his new teacher, Mrs. B., is excited to have some good friends from his Kindergarten class with him again, and is eager to make new ones as well. 

Yes indeed, my boy is growing up...

but as one of my favorite books my mom used to read to me, Love You Forever, goes...

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, always forever, my baby you'll be."

And that, 

is so very,

very,

true.

just tall enough

We aren't known for "tall" in our family. 

The odds are stacked against the kids for dunking a basketball or playing front row on the volleyball team.

I think I put the bakers sugar on the top shelf just so that I can prove to myself that I'm just tall enough to reach without using the step stool.

In their little world, when you can finally ride the rickety tiger coaster at the zoo, 

you've made it!

At 32 weeks pregnant, it's obvious that I was banned from this ride. 

My Auntie Mary joined us for the day, so "lucky" for her (she's not a real fan of heights), she was Anna's sidekick for her very first tiger coaster adventure.

What you don't see pictured is that Auntie Mary rode the coaster ride with Kieran right before this. He would have kept riding, except two times was her limit, and I don't blame her!

Thanks, Auntie Mary, we love you!

She's got a ways to go before she can go on her father/daughter trip to Disneyland, since you have to be 40 inches. 

For now,

she's satisfied with just tall enough.

fourth of july, 2012

The fourth of july has come and gone. 

We enjoyed our hometown parade,

along with a visit from Grandma,

and spending time with Nonna and Nonno (who for some reason escaped the pictures this year),

in what I consider my true hometown.

We spent time in both because we do not have fireworks in ours,

and it's a MUST in my book!

Always my little model,

Anna loves everything about the fourth of July.

I managed to get a shot of all 3, completely at random,

and a shot of me (we missed Erik, he had to work!)

 and our growing family.

I'd love to freeze each of them in time as they are now...

and if by preserving them in photographs is the closest I'll come,

I'll be glad that I had these moments to look back and treasure.

it's all in your heart...{kieran's last day of kindergarten}

I'm not certain I have the right words to express the emotional journey that it has been, maybe more for me as a parent, than my little boy as a kindergartner.

Shortly after the first few weeks, the honeymoon period as they say, Kieran was having difficulties maintaining focus in school and performing the tasks at hand.

His favorite activities were recess and lunch, and though he liked to learn, he'd much rather be playing (but then, what Kindergartner wouldn't?).

Each day my heart would race upon picking him up and I would dread the comments that would come from the day. Getting him to do homework each night came with its own battles...is this how it's going to be for the next 18 years?

Kieran and I would have our talks and unbeknownst to him, I'd quietly cry. Was I doing something wrong? How can I help him to be the boy in school that I know he can be? 
I prayed.

I called my pediatrician. I read a great book, even emailed the author/doctor and received a response. I enrolled him in a great counseling program at school and we started him on a daily behavior chart.

Slowly, but surely...progress.

There were some days better than others, but always, always, his teacher would say, "Kieran, I am still proud of you".

They'd hug each other and we'd move on from the day. As the year went on, homework no longer became a battle. We began our first year of swim team and the daily routine started to set in. Mind you, by this point it was now April, but everything was coming together. 

It wasn't what I was doing wrong, but the things I was doing right. 
It wasn't that Kieran didn't want to learn, but that the traditional setting of school, especially for boys and especially Kieran, is not necessarily constructed to fit the way that he was molded.

The reality of it all, is that he does attend the traditional setting, but the great part about his teacher was that she was willing to help him adapt and make changes for him so that he could grow.

Now the beginning of May, his teacher sends me an email mid-morning. My heart skips as any mother's does when she's contacted about her child, and I read, "I just had to email you to let you know that Kieran has earned 6 circles so far and it has all been before lunch--he's never done this and I'm so excited for him!"

"Amazing!", I think to myself. It's a good day.

I picked Kieran up from school and he came running toward me, paper in hand, with the largest smile I had seen all year.

A perfect ten.
Yes, it was the only perfect report he had received all year, but it came on a Monday, after a weekend trip to Yosemite. Perhaps Monday's aren't so bad after all, or perhaps my son is learning that he can do anything when he puts his mind to it. I like to think it's the latter.
Whatever the case may be, Kieran has grown from the very first day,

to 

the very last day.

A special gift for his teacher (idea courtesy of my friend Melissa) to thank her for helping him to grow

definitely not in height, but surely in heart. 

She was absolutely wonderful.

The tears didn't fall on the first day, but oh, did they stream on the last.

Though the journey is just beginning for the both of us, and we have a long way to go, we are learning from each other. We are listening to one another (on most days). 

And, as Kieran has coined so prophetically, and often says to me at just right the moments,

"It's all in your heart, Mommy. It's all in your heart."

four...in april

Dear Anna,

You turned four...in April! So sorry it's taken me this long to get to your birthday post. I really wasn't writing a lot just so you know. I was feeling very sick being pregnant with your baby brother from weeks 6 to 16. I'm 24 weeks now, so no real excuses, except that it's been "go, go, go" with all 3 of you with our schedule.

Your 4th birthday has come and gone, but I had the opportunity a few days ago to interview you like last year.

Here's what you had to say this year:

Me: What's your favorite color?

Anna: Pink.

Me: What's your favorite thing to do?

Anna: Play with my friends at school.

Me: What do you like about Kieran?

Anna: Hugging him.

Me: What do you like about Tatum?

Anna: Playing with her.

What's your favorite food?

Anna: Nuggets (unfortunately, I had hoped this would change from your answers at 3, but that was a no go).

Me: Who's your favorite princess?

Anna: Sleeping Beauty (thought you might say Cinderella since that was the theme for your birthday party, but Sleeping Beauty is still your favorite gal).

What do you like best about being 4?

Playing in my heart.

Need I say more after that last answer? Mommy thinks it's quite profound.

Happy 4th Birthday, my love!

{i am a mother}

I was born 34 years ago, to loving parents.

Fresh on my journey with many wonders to wonder, stories to unfold,

memories to ponder and mistakes to learn from.

Never would I know the same tears of joy, sense of accomplishment, level of frustration, degree of love, that my mother felt...

until I became one myself.

I am blessed to have found the man to share my love and life's journey with, the lives that we have created, are nothing short of amazing.

The gift of life is more magnificent than one could attempt to explain. The point at which our sweet babies that I carried for nine months take their first breath, have been the greatest gifts that God has ever given us.

The path that I've taken...

an infant, 

a little girl,

a teenager,

a young adult,

a wife...

they are all meaningful pieces of the puzzle that encompass who I am. 

It's not just today that I am thankful for my babies, Kieran, Anna, Tatum and our baby boy to arrive in October.

It's not just today that I honor the wonderful woman who gave me my first breath.

No, these are treasures that I appreciate with each waking day.

Today though, I stop to take a moment, a moment filled with strength, pride, love and awe.

I am a mother!

i cannot imagine...

I cannot imagine...

what life would have been like without you.

I cannot imagine...

what you will be like in another 17 months.

Except to say, 

that if you are anything like you are now, what a true gift you are to me, your daddy, your brother and sister!

What a gift you are to all who meet you!

You love to be outside.

Your new word is "happy".

You love singing Old McDonald and try as we might, the only animal that he has on his farm is a cow.

You love to try to sing your ABCs.

You adore being outside. If you could sleep under the night sky, you would. 

You love your new shoes and with all the walking that you do with those little legs, it may as well be miles.

You laugh at yourself, which is downright funny.

Your daddy holds the sun, the moon, and the stars.

You love to play games with Kieran and Anna.

And, at the end of the day, you rest your head on my shoulder to snuggle and give me a little pat just as I do when I comfort you.

It's as if to say, "there, there, Mommy", as if to show your comfort in return.

You do, my love, you do.