there's something about a hug {the last day of school 2018}

There's something about a hug. Whether you're the giver or the receiver, there's just something about a hug that changes your demeanor, the way you hold yourself together, the way I imagine that the brain lights up when love is given to another human being.

 When you go from this...

 to this...

because you love and adore your TK teacher. He told me that he wants to stay a kid forever and stay in Mrs. C's class. Frankly, I share his sentiments.

You might decide on your own to hug your principal 

and then before you know it, 

your brother joins in because he wants a hug from the principal, too!

 Sometimes you stand cheek to cheek because you're a special team that works together to make going to school okay, even when it's the hardest mountain to climb.

And suddenly, when you're side by side, it's inevitable that your team will send you off with an embrace to let you know one last time before summer, that you mean the world. 

They meant the world to me, too. I couldn't have taken care of my sweet girl without them.

Yes, there's just something about a hug that makes the world go round, especially when it comes from the sweetest first grade teacher.

 And then there's the newly turned seventh grader in his aviators picked especially for vacation.

The best part? He's coming toward me for a hug.

It's that something that life just wouldn't be the same without.

my hard drive is full and so is my heart {first day of school 2017}

I haven't posted anything since October of last year. October! Before we know it, it will be October and I will have almost an entire year of thoughts in my mind and pictures to go along with that were never written about. So it seems only logical to me that although those events definitely happened and I never wrote about them, it will make for a great throwback or flashback for several weeks to come.

Truthfully, my computer is PAINFULLY disorganized and I've been working the last several nights on photo organization. Part of the reason I haven't written in so long is that I have almost next to zero hard drive space, as in full, as in my computer is so disorganized that I can only upload my jpegs and not the original files to edit them the way I'd like.

That said, if I continue to wait, I will be so behind that all I'll ever be writing about is past events and never catch up.

It makes sense then to keep up until I catch up with unedited photos (even in their messiness). Afterall, I created my blog as my gift to my children and if you happen to stumble across it and get to the end well, thank you.

I'm not a supermom, I don't have any cooking tips or party ideas to share with you. I cannot coach you on fitness or healthy eating as I'm learning to do those things myself. I can't give you any style tips because I leave that to personal stylists or friends who actually have a gift for that sort of thing. My home is not drenched in farmhouse white (which by the way, I absolutely swoon over) and some days I wonder what God's big plan is for me, what is my purpose?

Never though, do I doubt even for a second that I wasn't meant to be a wife to my husband and a mama to my kids.

My heart was full today because I sent my boy off to sixth grade.

Fresh new haircut and all and my sweet boy says that he "wishes I was 99% still working at his middle school as the school counselor". He might not think that if I were actually there, but it still melts my heart. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he has a heart of gold.

He had a great day and the best part is that he is with all of my former colleagues/friends who I know will take good care of him.

I'm not sure how we got here. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was pregnant with him and sleeping on the floor of my office in between scheduling? Wasn't it just yesterday that I pushed these two in the stroller while pregnant with Tatum on my way to work?

Now he's there himself. It's just surreal.

Next up, the spunky one of the group.

Miss "Never Give Up" herself...

who rode her new hand me down cruiser from our next door neighbor.

She thinks she's pretty awesome and without telling her so her head doesn't get too big, I do too!

Third in line is so precious that she picked out her first day of school dress from the Old Navy uniform section. 

Nevermind that I bought her shoes on sale for her last year thinking they'd fit. My tiny girl who asks when she's going to grow. 

And then there's Mr.BB8

He's going on his first ever plane ride in September to Disneyland! Each TK or Kinder year with our kids, Erik takes them for a Daddy/Kid trip complete with pictures, videos set to music and an incredible bonding experience. I am so excited for them and sad at the same time because Liam is the last! I cringed at buying these shoes but he went straight for them. And I even let him wear them today. My mom had the best advice for this "daunting issue", and it all comes down to what makes you happy! 

A BB8 and R2D2 lunch box and water bottle coupled with some stylin' BB8 shoes?

It makes for one happy four, soon to be five year old!

Prepped with folders and original artwork for the inside of her desk,

my girl who has endured a really bumpy road with her health this last year,

is so very lucky to have yet another incredible teacher.

And this little girl has been writing letters (that we still have to send) to her Kindergarten teacher all summer long. Mrs. B is Tatum's idol, but I also know she's the reason that she loves school and the reason she already loves her new teacher, Mrs. M.

I just don't want to forget her little red dress or her blue with gold hearts backpack, 

or this spontaneous hug goodbye.

 I don't want to forget him smiling for his teacher as they celebrated Clifford the big red dog's 5th birthday (since everyone in TK will be turning five).

 I don't ever want to forget the excitement of getting his first tote bag,

or showing off his "kiss" after Mrs. C read The Kissing Hand.

And this. This completely out of focus picture that I will never part ways.

I just can't, no matter what any decluttering minimalism konmarie method person would say.

Why? Because this out of focus picture is real time. Unposed, she was coming at me so quickly I missed the "perfect capture" by a split second. This out of focus picture taking up more space on my already full hard drive is the happiest first grader on the planet who cannot wait to go back in the morning.

This out of focus picture brings me joy because that's what she was feeling and it gives me a reminder that my pictures don't need to be perfect to post.

I haven't even written about the last day of school yet, but we'll just add that to the list of my back to the future posts.

My hard drive is full and so is my heart.

Time to make space for more memories and savor them for as long as I can.

Love to all of you my sweet babies.

May you have a wonderful school year!

{try everything}

Sign ups were announced weeks ago and Anna came home to let me know that I would be submitting her name for the talent show. There was no mention of dancing, no mention of asking others to be a part of her group. No, I was informed from the get-go, she would be performing a solo. I hesitated, not because I didn't think she could do it, but because I knew the hours of practice involved, along with the try-outs (no one is cut, it's just called try-outs so that they can see who is performing what) and dress rehearsal. It was one more "to-do" in our schedule. The selfish me did not want to sign her up, but the core of me knew that I had to, especially since this was all Anna's idea.

We set out to perfect "Fight Song". She already knew it, we just had to make sure that she was performance ready. The try-outs came, she performed what is a powerful song, along with 4 other soloists who were also singing their rendition of the same song! I'm not sure why I was surprised? Thinking back it was not a good decision for the very reason that the song is so popular. Anna was asked if she wanted to sing "Fight Song" in a group. Her eyes grew wide, the size of saucers, "No way am I singing in a group, Mom." "I am singing a solo." We left the room immediately planning what song she would sing next. Within minutes, Shakira's "Try Everything" from the most adorable movie, Zootopia, came to mind. A song with a difficult rhythm, she was eager to learn. 

See, it isn't that she is the next American Idol, and it isn't even that she wants to be a singer (although she does like to be on stage, she has a love and affinity for drawing). Anna just loves adventure. She has an amazing imagination and she is by all accounts, a true extrovert. 

That said, underneath the many layers of comedy, laughter, smiles and confidence, are also layers of extreme emotion. I'm not sure that Anna would want me to share the details, in fact, I know that she wouldn't which is why I won't. Let's just say that Anna is the most spirited of my bunch. Her emotions run away like a freight train, but only at home. Sometimes, the train is moving so fast it's out of control and it's very difficult to put on the brakes. Even with my education, my on the job training as a school counselor, the many years of working successfully with students-it still doesn't prepare you fully for the experiences that you go through as a parent. I don't know how to explain it, it's just different. I'm still learning what works best, what doesn't and quite honestly I've had many moments where I have thrown up my hands and given it up to God. There are moments when my mind gives up, but my heart knows to keep going. There are moments when I would rather shut the door and I'm pretty sure I've done this, because I just needed a time-out. I've needed a Hail Mary-the last ditch effort kind and the actual prayer kind, too. When I would work with parents I would often hear them say, "I've tried everything". Though it's easy to feel this way especially when we are at the end of our rope, it's simply not the case. "Tried" is not the proper word-it's "Try"-meaning, there's always more, there's always different, there's always another way. I am not afraid to reach out and ask for help. As quickly as the train runs and is sometimes a blur, we are learning from each other how to slow it all down. Try Everything.

Cue my tears when the lyrics to Shakira's song says, "Nobody learns without getting it wrong". Anna's struggle in school has been with Math. It's never been my strength and has always been a source of anxiety and self-doubt for me. I've made a point to not let my insecurities with Math pass along to any of my kids. I don't want her to feel as though she has to hide because she might have the wrong answer or that others might laugh-it's what I did. When Anna was Star of the Week in first grade, she told everyone her favorite subject was Math. I think Math for her is a lot like singing. It isn't that she wants to be a mathematician, it's that she loves to give something her all. When Math became increasingly frustrating for her, I began to see similarities in the way that I attempted to cover up the fact that I didn't understand. I was sad to see that her usual confidence was slowly chipping away. Having Anna tested for a learning disability was one of the best decisions because she now has the help that she needs and has regained her confidence. She knows it's okay to get it wrong and she's not going to give up. Try Everything.

Earlier, when we were getting ready for the show, Anna asked me if I wanted her to sing the song perfectly. I told her that it didn't have to be perfect, just to do her best and to have fun.

It wasn't perfect. The music didn't start correctly and she had to work to get back on track a few different times, but she kept going with heart and determination.

This girl. We've got quite the road ahead. She was 2 going on twelve and every teenage year after. She'll be 8 going on eighteen at the end of the month-ah, the tween years.

Open the flood gates as my heart filled with intense pride and happiness when Anna took the stage for the big show. When we first practiced she stood there like a deer in the headlights. By dress rehearsal, she had the volume. By the in-school show (that not everyone gets to do) Tatum's TK teacher told me that she and Anna's Kindergaten teacher loved her performance. By tonight's performance, Anna had big smiles, her own signature fist pumps complete with an unexpected bow at the end. Try Everything.

As the song lyrics say:

"Look how far you've come, you've filled your heart with love, baby you've done enough take a deep breath. Don't beat yourself up, don't need to run so fast, sometimes we come last but we did our best." It's a song for Anna, it's a song for me. It's a song for us as mother and daughter. On the days I don't feel I've done well enough, on the days she feels like a runaway train, on the days we don't feel like there's more, there is. Try Everything.

The email at the end of the day from Anna's 2nd grade teacher said, "Wow! A note to celebrate Anna today! She did a fabulous job in the talent show today. Way to go!"  That she did. 

Today, we celebrate.

Tomorrow and always, we'll Try Everything.

{life's lessons through ferris bueller}

The Golden Globes are tonight. I've seen just one of the films (which I find amusing because usually I haven't seen any of them and if I have, it's an animated film because of the kids) and it just happens to be nominated for Best Motion Picture. It's a bit eye opening because it tells me that Erik and I need to go out for date night more often! TrainWreck is hysterical, I loved it and I love Amy Schumer who is also nominated for Best Actress. As much as I loved the movie though, my heart belongs to 1987. I was nine years old. 

 In 1987, Matthew Broderick was nominated for the Golden Globe for Best Performance in my all time favorite movie, Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I'm pretty sure I saw it when I was nine years old too, which makes me laugh because there are certain parts that I wouldn't want Kieran to see now! And though there are countless movies that have come after Ferris Bueller with far greater depth, complexity and everything else, it's still my favorite movie and it always will be.

Maybe it's because I think of life in its quotes...

"Life moves pretty fast,

if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Life can be pretty tough, and around our house (especially lately), 

it's not always sunshine and rainbows.

I'm a glass half full kind of girl though, and I try my best to pass this along to my kids.

What better way to release tension than a snowball fight?

"The question isn't "what are we going to do", the question is "what aren't we going to do?"

Anna was pretty excited about hitting Kieran with some snowballs made with the snowball maker.

 "Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine."

Liam thought it was pretty great, too!

And though I was able to capture some of these images...

which are pretty much pure joy,

I put down my camera to sled with them, laugh with them and connect with them.

It's like the scene in the art museum, where Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are walking hand in hand with school children-I get weepy every time. Childhood is so fleeting! Cameron then finds himself staring at (what is also my favorite painting) "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte". The creator of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, John Hughes, was once interviewed saying, "I always thought this painting was sort of like making a movie, the pointillist style." "You don't have any idea what you've made until you step back from it."

It's so important, even amongst the chaos, the crazy, the stress of life as we know it, to take a step back. Just like a Sunday Afternoon, just like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I'm reminded...

to be present,

to take a look around,

to take it all in,

to experience the glass half full,

 instead of half empty.

I'm reminded to take a step back when I look at my husband and my children, to revel at what we've been through, what we're going through, and what is yet to come, good and bad.

To be thankful.

To know what we've made...

and I'm not going to miss it!

Happy Easter, I mean it! {easter 2015}

"Come out of your tomb, be like Jesus, be a BLESSING to others...say Happy Easter and mean it!"

This is the message that we heard at Easter Sunday Mass.

 I hope that these four will walk with God all the days of their life.

 They teach me daily in ways I never imagined. They are truly loving and compassionate beyond their years.

When life gets difficult, it would be easy to stay inside, to stay behind the stone. Or, we can roll it away, face the difficult and persevere.

Be a blessing to others my little ones, just as you are to me.

I love you so very, very much.

Happy Easter, I mean it!

the magic of christmas

The magic of Christmas-it's my favorite time of year. I start listening to Christmas carols the day after Thanksgiving and continue listening to only carols the whole season. I don't get tired of them-the fun ones, the silly ones, the ones that give you chills. My favorite carol? I can't say that I have just one because I love so many, but I can say that I love any Christmas song by John Denver. Hokey, maybe, but I don't care. I still love a good John Denver tune.

 I grew up surrounded with folk music from my parents. Either listening to folk artists or listening to my parents playing the guitar, the piano or singing. Growing up, they were the head of the choir at church. They were the ones that were hired for weddings and funerals, they even sang at my wedding. Erik calls my mom the "church lady" ala Saturday Night Live. I have to admit, I get a good laugh from that, but I promise she's a lot better and I am thankful every day that my parents instilled in me a love for music. My only regret is that I don't play an instrument!  If you haven't heard any Christmas songs by John Denver, go listen.  Afterall, December 25 may have come and gone, but it is still the Christmas season! 

Our Christmas season is most complete for me when we travel to visit Erik's family and see the lights at CALM. This picture doesn't do it justice, it's only a small fraction of what you see and it's absolutely gorgeous!

"The light that shines for all to see...

the peace of Christmas day." -The Peace Carol

Anna, of course, was the first one up Christmas morning! She is usually one of, if not the last to sleep in on a regular morning, but Christmas? Where's the party?

"Find your heart...

open up both your eyes." -It's in Every One of us

Sometimes the sisters bicker, and other times be still my heart.

"See how much there is to give, see how strongly you believe...

see how much you may receive." -Aspenglow

Christmas would not be complete without tears (of joy, of course) from my mom.

"The season is upon us now, a time for gifts and giving...

and as the year draws to its close, I think about my living." -A Baby Just Like You

I decided this year we'd use the remote shutter to document that we were here without anyone having to have a camera in their hand. I need a lot more practice, but it's a start! It's the only one that has the six of us and we never did take a whole family photo other than our card-that's life.

"I don't know if you believe in Christmas, or if you have presents underneath the Christmas tree...

but if you believe in love, that will be more than enough, for you to come and celebrate with me."

We actually had a Christmas Eve Eve with my parents before they headed to my sister and brother-in-law's house this year. We have "big Christmas" every other year.

"Christmas is a time to come together, a time to put all differences aside...

and I reach out my hand to the family of man, to share the joy I feel at Christmas time." 

I just happened to steal this moment from my dad and Tatum. According to my mom, she knows Tatum loves her, but she'll drop her in seconds flat as soon as she sees her Nonno.  They have a really special bond.

"For I have held the precious gift that love brings, even though I've never saw a Christmas star...

 But I know there is a light, I have felt it burn inside and I can see it shining from afar."

We had a fairly quiet and calm Christmas morning and celebrated with Erik's parents. Liam loved seeing Papa in his space age ski goggles.

"For the truth that binds us all together, I would like to say a simple prayer...

that at this special time, you will have true peace of mind and love to last throughout the coming year." -A Christmas Wish

And of course, what would Christmas (or any day for that matter) be, without Liam getting into something he wasn't supposed to. I think he ate everyone's chocolate from Santa. #liamstrikesagain

"Perhaps love is like a window, perhaps an open door...

 it invites you to come closer, it wants to show you more". -Perhaps Love

Liam's big gift from Santa was his John Deere tractor, which everyone but Kieran and Erik have ridden so far. I may or may not have ridden it in the garage yesterday.

"It's tall in the saddle we spend Christmas Day, driving the cattle over snow covered plains...

So many gifts have been opened today...

ours is the sky,

 and the wide open range."

Okay, so no wide open range or snow, especially not inside the house, but riding an electric tractor was as close as I could come to riding a horse. ;)

When I was just a wee little boy, full of health and joy, 

One Christmas morning I received The Marvelous Little Toy.

A wonder to behold it was with many colors bright...

And the moment I laid eyes on it, it became my heart's delight." The Marvelous Little Toy 

(lyrics by Tom Paxton)

"That Peace on Earth fills up your time, that brotherhood surrounds you...

That you may know the warmth of love and wrap it all around you." -A Baby Just Like You

Our priest at our church spoke to all of us at family mass on Christmas Eve, he even wore a Christmas bow on his head for part of the mass. His message simple, but so powerful. While presents we give to others at Christmas can signify the gifts that were brought to Jesus by the Wise men, the true presents, the gift, the magic of Christmas is us. It is YOU! Jesus lives in us, in our hearts. We share this love and we give this gift to others. Father gave each child a Christmas bow to take home and instructed them to put the ribbons on their heads Christmas Day.

It's my absolute favorite picture...

"Music makes pictures and often tells stories, all of it magic and all of it true...

and all of the pictures and all of the stories, all of the magic, the music is you." -The Music is You

...it's the magic of Christmas.

"Live, Jesus, in our hearts! Forever"-Lasallian Prayer