Thursday, November 19, 2009

who's the leader of the club...

that's made for you and me? Mic-key M-o-u-s-e! 

I've never needed this place more. I've been too many times to count, but never enough times to say that I'd be sick and tired of this place. 

Erik and Mickey have been planning this trip for some time. We're going this weekend, just before Thanksgiving. And though it will likely be crowded, just as any other day at Disneyland, I need to smile, I need to laugh. 
Last week, I wasn't going on any rides. Let me rephrase that. Last week, I wasn't going on any rollercoasters because of this:

When I first took the test, and it came back positive, I was a little shocked, because other than being a few days late, I had no symptoms. From day one, this was a bit strange to me. Yes, every pregnancy is different, and I was hoping that this was as simple as it sounded. When I was first pregnant with Kieran, I knew before I even took the test. My sister had just given birth to Adriana and was actually still in the hospital. My mom and I were sleeping on the pull-out couch at Jennifer and Jessy's little apartment and I woke up thinking, "Oh my God, I am pregnant!" Without giving too much information, I thought my boobs were going to fall off. And though they never fell off, thank goodness, they grew to proportions I never thought imaginable. Since it's a private blog, you know me. And, you know that unless I'm pregnant or breastfeeding, I am a full fledged member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Enough information? Then came the endless trips to the bathroom, not to mention the fact that I was so tired, I wanted to hibernate. I remember going to Tahoe with Erik and his parents. We hadn't told anyone yet. We were there with several families and I remember thinking, "Do I really have to get on that boat?!" If it wasn't enough that I was tired, now I had to get on a boat? On a normal day, fun. On a pregnant day, not (in the least bit) fun. 
The night before I took the test for Anna, it was like the night before you wait to go to Disneyland. Excited with anticipation. Sleepless because you just can't wait to get there. I knew that the next morning I took that test, it would be positive. And, for the next 13 weeks, I was nauseous from sun up to sun down, coupled with the millions of trips to the bathroom, followed by the boobs that grew to proportions I never thought imaginable once, let alone twice.
Yet things were not as simple as they sounded. I kept telling my mom and my sister that I was worried. I even told the doctor that there was something different. No trips to the bathroom, no tiredness, and when the "girls" did nothing, I was worried for what was likely to be. 
I had my first ultrasound at 6wks 4 days. There, a yolk sac in plain view. So, I thought, maybe I've been really stupid all this time? Maybe this was all in my head? Though there was nothing to measure, and no heartbeat, it was early yet. We would schedule the next ultrasound for two weeks (which would have been tomorrow afternoon). 
Tuesday, November 17th rolls around. I discover that I am spotting, and I know. I know and Erik is already off to work. The kids are awake. I go on with my morning routine, hoping that this is more simple than what is running through my head, and racing in my heart. 
I go to work, hoping that I'll be wrong. I drive to the doctor, praying.

Please God, don't make me a part of this club! I don't want to be a part of it, so make it be okay!

The only one in the doctor's office, my doctor finishes up with a patient's records, looks up, smiles and waves. I know he's hoping that everything is okay for me and I know he must see this often. 
As kind as he can be, he is very disheartened to find that we don't see anything. There's a sac, but there's very little tissue and there is no heartbeat. 
My heart is beating out of my chest and the tears well up in my eyes. Dr. Anderson hands me a tissue and gently reminds me that it's nothing I did or didn't do.

On the way back to work, I notice that there's a jet plane flying straight up-the kind that "scrape the sky" where you can see their path. I think to myself that this is strange. This is not common, right? It was up, nonetheless. Up. Where I need to be lifted. Up. Where God has lifted my little one. 

God decided this day, that it wasn't my time. Pounds #3 knew all along, that this journey would not be a lengthy one. But, this journey has a reason and was a gift to me, even at 8wks 4 days. 
My heart is aching, but it will heal. So I joined a club that I prayed I would never have to be a part of, and I now understand, fully understand, both the physical and emotional pain that is a miscarriage.
I am lucky. Lucky beyond words. I have two beautiful children, one of each. I have no complaints, they love me unconditionally as I love them.
It is still painful, it was still a child that we would have welcomed with love.

God will lead me and let me know my time, and I have faith that it will come again.

So, instead of riding Peter Pan and going on the Jungle Cruise (which we'll do anyway), the night that Erik and I go out on our own will include Space Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain,  Splash Mountain and any other mountain that exists at Disneyland. This weekend, it's all about the rides.

Mickey called, he wants me to laugh, smile, and enjoy this time with my family of 4. 
I know I will.


  1. My dearest Kristin My heart is with you always. Thank you for sharing your true deepest feelings with whomever reads this blog. They are so lucky to have you in their lives. I am truly best with having such a talented, kindhearted, spiritual and loving daughter. You are truly a gift from God. Now go and enjoy the HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH. I love you Mommy!!!! Ride the Matterhorn for me!

  2. Oh Kristin, I am SO sorry :(
    Not a fun club to be a part of. So sorry for your loss. I wish you would told me & I could have cried with you. I am here if you ever need to talk!

  3. I love you so much! You are so brave and amazing! I know your time will come again. Wishing I was at Disneyland with you.... Love, me

  4. Thank you for sharing this with me Kristin. It is SO hard loosing a little one. The club sucks. For me 3rd times a charm so far and couldn't be happier. It is hard to imagine a life coming after such a loss but when it does the joy is ever that much sweeter. xo


It's a beautiful noise-And it's a sound that I love- And it makes me feel good-Like a hand in a glove -Yes it does, yes it does-What a beautiful noise

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